Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 4)

inside jamari fox
inside jamari fox - taking you real deep

so it’s thursday,
so you know what that means?
another juicy self-helping of “no more mr. nice guy”.
i really enjoyed this chapter.
it is titled:

“make your needs a priority”

a topic i have struggled with all my life.
i have put many others before me.
some appreciate and are still around.
others i end up feeling drained when it wasn’t returned.
the last was work wolf.
he froze me out and it still stings,
but it has gotten me to start finding the strength within me.
so i should really be thanking him.
he was in my life for a “reason”.
this chapter forced me to take a step back.
i was damn near in tears at the end of the chapter.
these are my answers to the “break free” activities…

Breaking Free Activity #12
Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs?

yes.

Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs?

yes.

Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

yes i believe it is.

****

Breaking Free Activity #13
Identify at least one covert contract between you and another.

i did all these things for work wolf and i expected him to be in my life.
he made me feel like i was the only one who had his back.
the things he said/did led me to believe he was getting comfortable with me.

What do you give?

i have my emotions.
i also cared too much for him.
when he was sick,
i got him medicine.
when he needed help with things like jobs or to get out of trouble,
i would stop what i was doing to help him.
it was like i only saw him.

What do you expect in return?

his heart and some dick.

…what?
i’ll be honest with you.

Share this information with the other person. Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.

well i’m currently in antarctica with him.
i think that is the answer to the question.

*****

Breaking Free Activity #14
Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week:

1) Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won’t be confused. Observe your feelings and other people’s reactions.

i don’t know how to do this.
i will figure it out and start it on monday as a fresh week.

2) Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you.

i’ve been doing this since star fox died.
when i look at it now,
i can see how it could be a big problem.
it makes me look needy and i get too emotional if they don’t “return the favor”.
i will stop that immediately.

******

Breaking Free Activity #15
It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love.

● Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful “jokes”?
● Do you embarrass them in public?
● Are you frequently late?
● Do you “forget” things they’ve asked you to do?
● Do you criticize them?
● Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?
● Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking out of the victim triangle.

i did this and got various responses via text.

pose:

karaoke:

the pretty vixen:

cousin hybrid:

that was an eye opener to read those.
i felt so shamed about it to myself.

****

Breaking Free Activity #16
Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first.

Remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just do it.

starting next week,
it will be “my week” to be much more selfish.
no more paying attention to anyone else but myself.
i will update those in my life as i do this.

*****

thank you for reading.
until next thursday!

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Foxhole Book Club: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Chapter 4)
Jamari Fox