inside jamari fox
inside jamari fox - taking you real deep
i am the problem maker.
that’s not exactly the most positive thing to say.
every so often,
i’m able to see the error in my ways and call myself out.
growth,
maybe?
i don’t know.
i’ve noticed how i can be on the straight and narrow.
things could be going well and i’m on top of the mountain.
onward march!
the next,
something will happen,
and i’ll be knocked off and down on my knees in the valley.
a dark one where traps are set everywhere.
the traps the enemy has set to feel worse about myself.
Why is this?…
its hard to always be in a good place.
that seems od to me.
everyone recommends you always feel “happy”.
how is this possible?
it seems like if there is no disruption or drama in my life,
i can’t function correctly.
weird,
i know.
it was like that “sex in the city” episode where carrie woke up suddenly,
questioning if she needed drama in her life to feel alive.
my drama right now is my high expectations of life and other animals.
i’ve been very needy as of late.
work wolf has been the animal i’ve been expecting a lot from.
he has been giving me attention,
but i’ve noticed i create a lot of insecurities about him in my head.
i think this is why i’m always questioning where i stand.
if he doesn’t text/call me when he usually does,
i automatically assume he is starting to be done with me.
when in reality,
he isn’t and has expressed my worth in his life.
i shouldn’t be having a problem if we separate for a while tho.
oh…
Did i tell you i love to solve problems?
yeah.
my brain is literally a work shop of putting pieces together.
this is why i love answering foxmails.
it helps me get out of my own head about my own shit.
the problem is i’ve been creating my own fuckin’ problems.
What are the problems?
well i feeling a little lost.
i feel stuck in a dead end job,
a dead end emotional relationship,
a dead end family member in my crib,
and a dead end when it comes to making my dreams a reality.
things are in a weird limbo right now.
it doesn’t show outwardly tho.
my clothes are always on point.
i’m always “together” in everyone’s eyes.
my own eyes tell a different story.
i’ve had about 3 animals tell me this week:
“you look so sad.”
“you aren’t as bubbly as before.”
“you use to be so full happiness and always smiling…”
i told one of my readers i communicate with that i’m at my lowest.
emotionally speaking,
that is.
my energy level is completely in the red zone.
i’ve been feeling so tired.
i could sleep for hours so i can recharge.
my bills are paid,
starting to save money again,
outer appearance is on point,
could not ask for better animals in my life,
a place where the best animals are reading and commenting,
but…
Why do I feel like I’m losing?
i guess i need to “see” it to really believe it?