inside jamari fox
inside jamari fox - taking you real deep
“why are you so scared to love him?”
that is what my cousin hybrid asked me on the phone yesterday.
it was a very interesting call.
me: almost in tears.
so this is what happened…
love is a strange word for me.
i have never been in love before.
sure i loved friends,
and i feel the love i have for them,
but i’ve never experienced the type of “love” a relationship brings.
i will admit that i have been scared to be hurt.
i saw others who loved someone more than they were being loved.
i didn’t want to ever be that.
always doing more for someone and not getting the same in return.
i guess that’s always been a fear of mine.
seeing how i have lost so many that i “loved” by death,
my “love” is always something that i kept guarded on top of that.
well that is until “he” came along last year…
i swear i been a mess with that.
i never “loved” any other males besides 3.
two are gone.
one i ended up having to call yesterday.
so i was having an issue and wrapped myself up in insecurities.
looking through my phone,
i didn’t know who to talk to without feeling judged.
for one,
i didn’t want to talk to anyone with a vagina.
vixens relate to things differently than gay men.
they will never “get it” or the struggles we deal with.
no amount of “yass bitch” will make them gay.
i stopped on “star fox” contact in my phone.
i never took him out.
won’t.
it pained me to know i couldn’t talk to him.
with “this” kind of issue,
i needed to hear his advice.
he made me feel safe.
i felt like i could be an idiot,
or what i deemed was “an idiot”,
and not felt like i was a complete dumb ass.
that’s “love” to me.
i decided to send my cousin hybrid a message.
he lives far away from me.
we aren’t as close,
but he definitely knows me.
this is what i sent him:
“i have no one to talk to.
this is why i feel some people kill themselves.
they have no one who will listen and not judge them.”
he answered immediately.
he called me 2 minutes after that.
the conversation was about my insecurities taking over.
how i don’t know how to handle “this” anymore.
how i felt so far gone and damn near crazy.
why am i so addicted to someone that isn’t fucking me?
why is this happening to me?
why am i worried where i stand?
why am i comparing myself to others?
why?
why?
why?
he told me to relax.
he made me realize that i “love” someone.
how can i “love” someone who doesn’t love me back?
who isn’t having sex with me?
how does this work?
“love doesn’t mean you have to have sex with someone.
you loved star fox,
right?
you love me?
you are a loving animal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that.”
he told me a story of a straight wolf who loves him.
strictly platonic.
they do things that are questionable,
and sometimes emotions can run high,
but it’s all “love”.
nothing sexual.
the wolf even told his family how much he loves my cousin hybrid.
they have a bond and are very best friends.
it’s funny how i equate “sex” to “love”.
most of us do in this life.
“the straights” kinda.
it’s also funny how cousin hyrbid made me see how i was get more “love”.
the ones who are getting “sex” don’t get what i get.
i wasn’t seeing that part.
i was only seeing what i was lacking in “this situation”.
the way he spoke to me made me feel like i was talking to star fox again.
he knows me.
he knows “the situation” and “how i am”.
for a while i felt like i was making a mistake.
i was out here looking stupid.
“What is ‘looking stupid’?”
i need to remove that from my vocabulary.
he made me feel like i was letting my insecurities overtake myself.
i would actually push someone away how i was acting.
it was like…
he removed himself from himself to put himself in my shoes
he made me see where i was going wrong.
how i was not “enjoying the ride”.
i was able to see how i’ve been acting yesterday.
today i handled things differently.
it was a much better day.
thanks for listening foxhole.
lowkey: cousin hybrid also showed me how i can’t control everything.