inside jamari fox
inside jamari fox - taking you real deep
insecurity can fuck your whole shit up.
i often admire those who truly don’t give a fuck.
they don’t care about the logistics of fuck giving.
if you stopped speaking to them today,
they would be off to the next tomorrow.
everyone has a level of insecurity.
no one is completely “fuck free”.
well i imagine those who escape death and live to tell about it.
maybe even old people.
i had to wonder…
how does one calm the screaming voices of insecurity inside their heads?
the voices that tell them:
you aren’t good enough
you are wasting your time
you will get hurt by him/her
you will not be anything
you are ugly
you don’t have a big ass
you are too skinny
you are too fat
you don’t look good in pictures
you will die
how do you escape that to truly like a “fuck free” life?
one that doesn’t involve taking your own life.
i had to wonder…
How do you co-habituate with insecurity?…
this whole work wolf thing has me so insecure.
its not even because he is “straight”.
ive dealt with randoms like him before.
this one is different because he wants my friendship.
i don’t trust people so this is so different.
well i’ve always felt like i wasn’t good enough.
other people have seen the good in me.
“the light” as they say.
i just tend to see all my flaws and no answers in how to fix them.
i was on a high when work wolf left yesterday,
one i should have stayed on,
but then it started to crashing down.
i started wondering if he was really my friend?
was he using me because i was smart?
is he just playing the game to get what he wants?
mind you he has:
brought me food
paid for different things for me
still hangs around me and knows i am gay
wants to do things with me now and in the future
gave advice and checks in on how mi and i are doing
initiates conversation with me first
does everything i say when i tell him do it
he damn near will cancel a vixen to speak to me.
…so why do i feel so insecure?
i don’t get it.
then when it comes to liar liar,
i don’t know why i allow her to take all my mental power.
i been asking him all the time about her.
if they are talking?
are they fuckin?
that wack hoe shouldn’t even be a convo.
even tho he claims he isn’t interested in her,
i still can’t stop thinking about him fuckin’ her.
i don’t know why that is such a big deal to me.
all the other vixens he has been with don’t make me feel as insecure.
she does.
see this is the type of shit that makes you burn bridges.
it ruins potential relationships.
YOU.
ME.
not them.
instead of just going with the flow,
you get wrapped up in trying to be “right”.
investigating things to calm your fears.
be the one to bust them in the act.
your “coldness” will eventually turn them away.
i don’t really have a lot of trust in men.
as a cub,
they were the ones who lied and bulled me.
ones i considered friends stabbed me in the back.
so its hard for me to give my all to a wolf.
i’m just waiting.
waiting to be “right”.
so i can run,
swim,
fly,
or “stop drop and roll” away and not get hurt.
the worst part looking back at some of the best wolves i had in my life?
the ones who were really interested in me that my insecurities sabotaged?
i was usually wrong.
…am i a mess?
please help me.
lowkey: i wrote this and literally just cried.
like couldn’t stop crying.
wow.
there is something here.
i need to explore it more.