inside jamari fox
inside jamari fox - taking you real deep
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FOXMAIL
What’s up Jamari!
I first just want to tell you how much I love your blog. Keep up the great work!
I am writing you because I need your advice and I value your opinion.
I am a 25 year old shy, very private gay black man. Within the past 2 years I came to terms with my sexuality personally. I’m not out as of yet, but assumptions have been made my entire life at least since I was like 7 or 8 ( that is the earliest I remember being called names, given weird looks, and being made fun of). I knew I was just different from my brothers. I didn’t know what it was at that young age but I felt and knew I was different. Everywhere I go my sexuality is always a topic of interest whether it’s a a job, school, amongst professors, friends, and people I don’t know. It annoys me b/c I am so much more than my sexuality. I am truly a great person.
I’ve always been asked where is my girlfriend and had people pick and pry into my private life which I hate! I am a private person. Other questions I’ve been asked were Do I like girls? Are you celibate? Do my roommate talk to girls? Why am I so quiet? (The person said I must be gay because never have anything to say LOL smh) Do I treat girls when I take them out to dinner? And that is just a few. Yeah ridiculous! But all of those questions come from those people who have made fun of me and etc.
I call those questions test. Depending on how I answer the person asking the ? would make their assumptions about me.
A bunch of indirect ?s seeking a direct answer. ( direct answer meaning YES I am gay)I don’t have anyone to confide in b/c I have trust issues. I truly believe there are more Curious people than Caring. Letting people in makes me vulnerable and scares me. They can take what I reveal and use it against me if they want.
My relationship with my parents is cool but never had that close mother/son or father/son bond with them. I don’t really have a close relationship with my siblings to the point where I would openly talk about my feelings and problems. We get along and I enjoy their company but we never have heart to hearts. I don’t trust them like that b/c a lot of my suffering started at home with them and if I piss them off they are quick to press my buttons especially the one I’m writing about now.
I have friend in California who I talk to on occasions. We have been cool for years. I remember him trying to hook me up several times with girls he know and girls we went to high school with but deep down I was not trying to talk to those chicks. I think he knows. We had a conversation one night about how he don’t understand the lifestyle but also don’t care if someone close to him was gay. (His sister is gay). I felt at that moment that what he was saying was directed towards me. I was too afraid to speak up to tell him.
Currently my other friend and I have been hanging out. He stays with his girlfriend who is cool as well. I thought about telling them too but my friend is religious and he and his girlfriend have spoken negatively about homosexuality. They are cool people but very closed minded.
I know once people start to find out or I guess once I confirm what others have been thinking all along a lot is going to change. Personally I don’t think I could be cool with folks who would talk bad about me the way my friends talk about other gay people either on TV or who we see in person.
At this point everything in my life has come to a standstill and the only thing that continues to come up is my sexuality or that’s the only thing that stands out b/c its fresh on my mind. Maybe it’s a sign? IDK
My question is,
What do you think I should do?
MY ADVICE…
well reader,
thank you for this f0xmail.
definitely a change of pace from my last one.
people would question if i was gay.
as a cub and as a teen.
like you,
it would always be the topic.
its not that i’m flaming either.
it was because i was “different”.
i use to be painfully shy and really awkward.
when you aren’t loud,
people assume you’re gay.
its a strange assumption,
but whatever.
add on my overt-religious parents who were so fuckin’ scary to me.
they would throw subs about me dating vixens or “going to hell”.
recipe: mental disaster.
i can thank my parents for secretly sabotaging my life.
anyway i grew up trying to wear wolf fur like my peers.
dating vixens was cool,
but i knew they just wasn’t “it”.
i was enslaved within my own insecurities.
i didn’t trust anyone,
especially straight wolves.
they always bullied me and made me feel less than.
meeting star fox was the best thing that happened to me.
he was also like me.
people assumed he was gay because he loved fashion,
didn’t date vixens,
and was also “different”.
i’m starting to see that people don’t like “different”.
it scares them.
it makes them ask questions.
pry.
they want to know:
“why he ain’t what i’m use to?”
it wasn’t until my parents died,
star fox was in my life full time,
and a few “official” wolves gave me the pounding of my life…
…that i started to come into my own fox fur.
star fox held my hand and let me just be.
nowadays if someone assumes i’m gay,
it doesn’t effect me like it once did.
i live my life as a discreet fox.
end of story.
people also underestimate how ignorant i can get.
my mouth can be real reckless.
i will knock your head off and won’t feel the least bit sorry.
plus like a fox,
i observe my victim before i strike.
these days i’m more respected than i use to be.
it all came once i started getting it together.
reader…
you seem to lack confidence.
its literally drippin’ off your words in your foxmail.
you can come out the closet tomorrow,
but if your self confidence is shot to hell,
you’ll just be out and insecure.
insecurities don’t go away once you are “out”.
you need to work on you.
get your life together.
get your career in order.
once you start doing things that benefit you,
and your bread starts to stack,
people’s opinions of you won’t mean shit.
everyone talks about everyone.
i don’t give a fuck what anyone has to say about me.
look people at my job think i’m gay.
i also think half of them are fuckin’ useless.
its not what people think of you.
no.
the real question is:
What do YOU think of them?
its like the wild.
animals can smell fear.
so if other animals can sense questions about your sexuality bother you,
that will become your “button”.
if people know where your button is,
they will press it each time they want to put you in check.
you keep fallin’ for their bait.
time for you to find these random people’s buttons.
“you pressed mine so ima have to blow yours the fuck up.”
lastly…
if you do decide to come out the closet,
i say clean up shop.
you don’t need assholes in your new life.
you don’t need people who will make you feel insecure.
you need to get out there and meet a “star fox”.
someone who will guide and protect you.
someone who will show you the ropes.
someone who will love and accept you for you.
before you do that tho,
you need to start trusting people.
give everyone a rope.
that is the only way you will grow and find yourself.
i hope my response helped you in some way.
if you have any questions,
or just need someone to talk to,
please feel free to correspond with me in email.
i wish you the best on your journey.
its not going to be easy,
but once you get the hang of things…
there will be no stopping you.
love,
jamari fox